In "Tell Me What You Want", Dr. Justin Lehmiller's book on our deepest sexual desires, we get a peek into the kinks of today's population. Published based on the largest survey of sexual fantasies to date, we learn that many of the activities once believed to be outside the norm are turn-ons for the majority of individuals. Here is a brief summary:
Dr. Lehmiller found that out of the thousands of people surveyed from all groups and sub-groups, virtually everyone reported having sexual fantasies of some kind. In addition to this, he discovered that people typically have sexual fantasies ranging from a few times per week to numerous per day. He concludes, correctly, that to have sexual fantasies is a human trait. Due to this, we should never feel ashamed of these internal desires nor should we condemn others for what they erotically think about.
It should be no surprise that the most common fantasy is having sex with multiple partners at once. Of particular interest is that while such a fantasy would be expected for men, the majority of women were also turned on and actively fantasize about intimacy with multiple people at the same time. Couplings could range from threesomes, foursomes, orgies and more.
Masochism and Sadomashocism, traditional components of the BDSM community, were also found to be popular with approximately 60 percent of individuals responding favorably to inflicting physical pain on another during sex. Even more surprising, 65 percent of his polled community responded positively to fantasizing about receiving physical pain during intimacy. His questioning also identified that it was women who led in both of these categories with greater SM desires for both giving and receiving.
Following the above, only 4 percent of women and 7 percent of men identified as NEVER having a fantasy related to power, control or rough sex. While BDSM has various depths to its activities, the overwhelming majority of people have an attraction to at least the outer edge of the community. Given Lehmiller found more than three-quarters of his participants had fantasies regarding bondage, these desires may go much further.
Other little tidbits from within the book:
- Recent national surveys have found that as many as one-third of adults under the age of thirty say they are not completely heterosexual. Based on these findings, the traditional viewpoint of relationships may be ready for a drastic change.
- 85 perent of responders stated they used or would like to use sex toys (ranging from blindfolds and handcuffs to vibrators, plugs and strap ons).
- Taboo activities such as peeping-tom voyerism were more popular that traditional romantic fantasies!
- 79 percent of men and 62 percent of women expressed fantasies about being in an open relationship. Given the strong desires for multiple-partner sex, this should not be a surprise.
Interestingly, Dr. Lehmiller discovered that only one-third of participants stated they acted out on their biggest sexual fantasy. Those questioned gave a variety of reason for this, often due to the uncertainty about how their partner would react and if they would disapprove of their sexual desires. YesNoMaybe helps with this disconnect as we provide a safe and secure platform to help couples communicate their fantasies. Based on the research within "Tell Me What You Want", one shouldn't hold up speaking to their lover -- chances are, their lover is holding back too. Be brave, be open and be vulnerable -- that is a path to happiness.
Dr. Lehmiller's book can be purchased at Amazon.